What Happens When We Allow Comparison to Steal Our Joy

What prompted me to write this originally just started as a normal morning of me reflecting about what goes on here on our little homestead and some of the discussions I have had (or seen had as well) in the last week or two. In all of these instances, these were posed as queries about the garden… folks asking things of myself (or others) “how do you find time” or “Man, I can’t get my garden to do that”. Many are expressing their struggle to get things going, poor harvests, or just not being able to figure out what they are doing “wrong”. This is because they are looking at what myself (or others) have going on and see some sort of failure within themselves.

This will not do!

The thing many do not see, is that someone like me is not locked into doing what a LOT of the people asking these questions are doing… the biggest and most obvious being, I do not have a full time job outside of the home. This IS MY JOB. I am here, tending to it all, CONSTANTLY. I am outside for a minimum of 5 hours a day…

Pruning. Cutting. Trellising. Digging. Harvesting and collecting food and seeds. Making fertilizer/compost and spreading it all. Mending beds. Starting seeds for every season. Crying over what dies. Battling birds, gophers, squirrels, and more. You get the point.

I am up and outside in the summer at 6am, watering 2-3 times a day in high temps.

I am pulling certain plants inside and outside of the house daily in those cold winter months.

I am outside with my books and my laptop doing writing and research, I have my kiddos outside learning, shit- I prep food outside sometimes just so I can be present out there and in tune with what is going on. My point is: this is my existence. I sacrificed my personal income and career to be able to stay home and do this with my family… and for the “Oh, it must be nice” snubs, it is nice… work harder or make deeper sacrifices. Period.

My point is: I have the time available to make this happen. I am watching people beat themselves up over not yielding what they would like or feeling like they are falling short because they work full time, have to be a caretaker to someone else, or some other existential thing preventing them from devoting the time they would like to their endeavors… largely unfair to themselves, because they compare their time and effort to that of someone who’s available time and effort look differently.

I do want to make it clear that I am not saying that this is impossible for someone who has all of those things going on… but it takes extra work that can become exhausting for some or lead to downright fucking burnout. I recall a year that I was working part time, going to school, caring for my kids and the home, and still had to find time for my garden. My ass was up at 4:30 am every morning to water that summer, looking like the neighborhood crackhead because I had to wear a headlamp to see what I was doing. I was in a state of perpetual exhaustion to be honest, but it was a sacrifice I made because it really wanted to see success come to fruition. I ended up clearing my schedule more to make room for what was becoming more important to me. This is what we all do when we want something enough, is it not?

I will tell you too, no matter how much work I know I am doing and no matter how nice or productive my work seems to others, I am still comparing what I do to others as well… and I do find it stealing my joy sometimes.

I had to leave a much larger property just under 2 years ago and the adjustment has been… interesting lol. I am trying to get it all going again and I yearn for the giant garden plot and massive harvests. I see friends who have husbands building them these amazing greenhouses and sprawling, huge high tunnels and mine hardly has the time to do much of anything here because the man is working constantly. I also lost having my teenage (now adult) son here to help, so I am literally doing everything by myself. Sometimes it can be a lot!

I see fellow growers and farmers that are pulling in harvests by the POUNDS, not by the little basket. They are canning dozens and dozens of jars while I am doing microcanning in small batches while I patiently wait for more. I get maybe a dozen chicken eggs a day, enough for my family and to sell a few cartons at the farmstand here and there. I am definitely not getting 10 dozens a day. I am not pulling in anywhere near what I would like and when I see others doing it, I have to stop and remind myself that I do not have the same resources or space as everyone else… the same way some folks do not have the time available or the space or resources for what I am doing.

I think it is important to remember that if you are doing what you can, where you can, that it should be enough for ourselves. I think we put a lot of unnecessary pressure on ourselves to produce or do well, particularly when we see someone else doing something we can’t/don’t do. It is nice to be inspired by the work others are doing and to try and work towards that, but not to the point of beating ourselves up or simply being unrealistic about our expectations. This is honestly what usually leads to that burnout most of the time.

Another thing I want to touch on before I close out is “aesthetic”. There are so many videos and blogs out there of beautifully manicured gardens with statues and water fountains and lush landscape bushes and whatnot that look like something out of a fairytale. Nothing wrong with having nice things! But I think we lack deeply in wanting to show off the other side of that, because not all functioning farms and homesteads look so picturesque. Sure, you see the nice aesthetic flowers and the lovely harvests, but what you are not seeing is all of the empty beds in between sowing and seasons or the dead or decimated crops thanks to the animals. You aren’t seeing lumber piles or half-way finished projects… you don’t see all of the feeders and compost piles that need tending to. This is something I hope shifts soon. Again, having nice things is great and many do work hard to attain their little slice of paradise. But there needs to be more of that other side shown that feels a little more realistic and attainable to the average person juggling 10 million things while trying to successfully homestead.

At the end of the day, I think it is so important to remember that our journeys and what we are able to do is going to look different for most of us. Varying degrees of time availability, finances, knowledge, and application are all important to take into consideration before you feel like you aren’t doing enough or need to be doing more simply because someone else is. If you feel like you want to do more, draw on that inspiration and make some goals to get there. Just don’t forget to acknowledge progress and output too, no matter how small. Celebrate those little victories and use the failures or setbacks as lessons so that you can move forward!